Skateboard Curses

Most dogs hate skateboards.

Or skateboarders. The distinction is unclear, because I am way too busy controlling my dog  to make detached observations.

My dog goes ballistic at the first sound of those tiny wheels rolling over the concrete. Even before the board and rider are in sight. This leads me to suspect that the dog hears in the rumble-and-clack some unspeakable threat or insult. I listen for it, and sure enough, I can imagine the board is flinging a stream of curses - fukyoufukyoufukyoufukyou - and what animal brain would not attack back under such insane and senseless assault.

For my animal brain, it is not skateboards, but honking car horns. If I am calmly waiting for a pedestrian to clear the crosswalk before turning and the car behind me starts honking, my only desire is to put my vehicle in park, get out of the car, and attack his tires. Or piss on them. Or both.

It's no good telling me to ignore the idiot. How do you ignore someone honking his horn at you? Impossible. How do you not attack. Well, when there are skateboards around, I keep my dog on a very short leash. And since I have my own version of a leash that began with toilet training and continued at least through driver's education, I would no more get out of my car on a busy street than I would piss on the fire hydrant on the sidewalk.

My Dog, the Camel

If your dog sleeps with you, chances are you've noticed that while you sleep, the dog has drifted from his or her appointed corner. If you are a sound sleeper like I am, you wake up to find yourself perched precariously at the edge of the mattress, one half-roll from falling to the floor. The dog slumbers blissfully smack dab in the center.

I am reminded of the story of the camel who begs to warm its nose in its master's tent. Bit by bit, the camel wheedles its way inside the warm tent until it fills the tent completely and the camel driver has been pushed out into the cold night air. Camels. Dogs

Some folks say you should never let the dog sleep on the bed. The dog will forget who its master is, have behavior problems, make itself a nuisance. They say dogs are not people and shouldn't be treated as such.

Sure, dogs are not humans. I cannot stay at home while my dog goes out and earns a living or decorates the house or, god forbid, does the gardening. And taking over the 'tent' to sleep in the middle of the bed is certainly a nuisance. But this traditional idea of dogs also reveals a world-view of its proponents. This view deeply believes in hierarchy, in natural masters and slaves, in authority exercised in bright lines that punishes swiftly and demands absolute obedience. Households are like ships and need a captain who is the law in himself.

Me, I don't buy it. The price of the master/slave authoritarian dynamic is too high. My dogs are not my slaves. We are a team. They all agree that I am the leader, not because I hit them, but because I bring theme food, I provide them with shelter and I educate them in the ways of the world. I am top dog not because I hit and yell ( I don't) but because I serve and protect them. In exchange for that, they give me the same. They serve and protect me in their way. The image I prefer is captain of the team rather than captain of the ship. A ship is a hierarchy designed for war, where one side wins and the other loses. The team that is our household is designed for life, where even the idea of sides makes not sense.

If my dog pushed me so far that I went to sleep on the couch, the dog would leave the comfort of the bed and make do with the living room floor, preferring company to comfort. So I forgive the encroachment, give a solid bump with my hips to reclaim, if not the center, then one half of the bed, and go back to sleep.

Black and White

Dogs don't see colors. Everything is black and white or shades of gray. I learned this from my mother when I was ten, and at the time, I was sad for my dog. Now I know my dog does not know what she's missing. If she were writing this, she would probably say that she felt sad for humans who could not smell 'colors.' (there is no equivalent word because genius of smell is a dog talent and not a human one.)

The feeling of pity is not just anthropomorphizing. It is also metaphorical. We talk about people whose understanding only allows them to cast issues in black and white. Seeing shades of gray is weak to them because they see everything that is neither black nor white as blurring the lines, tainting the pure, and creating a shapeless, muddly mess of the world. But what they see as shades of gray is actually color to a complex mind. Yellow is not just a darker white, it has a personality distinct from a similar tone of blue or pink. All three colors could be photographed to look exactly the same gray on black and white film, but they are so completely different to the human eye that a child would not confuse them. I still remember the amazement I felt on seeing my first big box of 64 Crayola Crayons. Just looking at them was a joy.

People who scoff at middle-of-the road ethics, who mock social or educational initiatives, who defend authority and despise rebellion are people who have formed a clear idea of right and wrong. Their own lives are shaped by lines in black and white. Creative vision, situational ethics, questioning authority: these introduce variables into that picture and mess it up with grays. Such people have no 'cones' to see the color. Or more aptly, since we are all human, their 'cones' have either atrophied from disuse, or the light is too dim for them to function. (Cones need a lot of light, which is why at night, all cats are gray.) It isn't just conformity or closed-mindedness that keeps these people resistant to complex ideas. Their mental 'senses' are presenting them with a clear message, and the evidence that is so glaring to the reformers is as invisible to them as yellow to my dog.

Humans are disgusted when a dog smells shit. We laugh uncomfortably and pull away. We cannot accept that the dog loves the smell of rot or decay because our senses tell us shit is bad. No amount of logical argument will make us encourage shit-sniffing. Between species, there can be no reconciliation. Between humans, the organs of understanding are not missing. They are undeveloped. Framing what you can in black and white reduces complexity and does not solve the problem. It just causes more atrophying. Light, more light is needed, until the 'cones' kick in and reveal the beauty of complexity that makes it worth the price.